How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
