I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
