i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
