you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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