Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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