Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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