Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
