My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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