she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
