apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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