In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
