Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
