I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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