my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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