I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
