You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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