Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
