Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
