I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
