If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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