"it" just moved
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
