I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
