It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
