So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
