the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
