I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
