If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
