Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
