you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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