I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
