You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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