The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
