you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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