Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
