i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
