So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
