Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
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Vodka?
Forever.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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