its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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