It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
