How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
