can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
