My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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