before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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