Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
