Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
