DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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