you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
