someone threw a dead crab at me
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
