hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
