Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
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Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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