I just made out with a guy for $7.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
