took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
im about as happy as oj after his trial
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.