the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.