Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
