we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
