There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
